THE GREAT BRITISH SEASONAL WHINGE!

Ah, September. That strange limbo between sweaty summer chaos and the descent into Goth Christmas (that’s Halloween, for the uninitiated).

Audience members, performers, dance/fitness clients, and venue owners who spent July and August moaning that it was “too bloody hot” are now acting personally offended by cardigans, drizzle, and darker evenings. The same people who begged for cooler weather last month are now traumatised by the sight of autumn clouds.

THE EVER-EXPANDING ALLURE OF SPOOKY SEASON:

Dressing rooms start to get damp and draughty, and the never-ending admin race is on to make sure you've booked the most weird and wonderful cast performers for the upcoming spooky season run of shows, events, and parties.

The inevitable drop-outs come in - performer injury, illnesses, long-term booking contract date clashes, and so I start my annual ritual of posting performer re-casting calls on social media and casting pages.

And let me tell you: casting posts are absolute chaos!

If you’ve never written one, imagine shouting into the void, and being answered by glitter-covered artistes who simply don't read the job details.

I’ll write a casting post that states: “Wanted: horror-based or gorelesque acts for [insert specific date].”

And within minutes, I’ll receive: “Hi babe, I do a Taylor Swift routine with bubble wands, can I be in your Halloween show?”

Or, my personal favourite: “I can’t do those exact Friday/Saturday dates, but I’m free the Tuesday after if that helps?”

No, my love.
The undead party-people do not clock in midweek.

So I spend my days (and nights!) sifting through random casting submissions, including (non-spooky!) reindeer, sugar plum fairies, and very shaky iPhone videos of performers taken from the back of the audience, whilst desperately hunting for a blood-soaked cabaret clown who won’t terrify the catering staff, and who won't leave a costume-related bloodstain on the venue's 18th-century floorboards.

And, just when I think I’m done, I get the phone call: “We need a hand-balancer in a full white rabbit costume for an Alice in Wonderland meet-and-greet ... in six days.”

Of course you do.

THE MYTH OF THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM

September is not “the calm before the storm.” It IS the storm - it’s just wearing a rhinestoned trench coat, and pretending to be organised.

Everyone thinks showbiz autumn is cosy and calm, but behind the scenes, it’s double-shot caffeine, additional spreadsheets, and trying to remember if you’ve paid your insurance renewal, while your inbox screams in glitter, and pings in with client requests along the lines of "Can you do me a family-friendly Halloween disco party with decapitated nuns on stilts for the Accounts Office?" shenanigans.

Meanwhile, the to-do list reproduces like a virus, as Christmas showbiz season is also looming ... costume fittings, prop sourcing, invoice chasing, social media posting, performer wrangling - all while trying to look mysterious and unbothered online.

Every time you cross one thing off the list, three more appear, usually labelled "URGENT BOOKING IN LONDON", and sent at 2:30am by someone who thinks “exposure” is a valid form of payment.

And yet, somehow, amid the glitter cannon explosions, the protein bars and caffeine-fuelled chaos, it all comes together.

Because it has to.

Because that’s showbiz - equal parts panic, passion, and pixie dust.

BOSS LADY WISDOM:

If September were a person, it’d be the shrill-voiced performer who turns up forty-five minutes late to rehearsals, clutching a pumpkin spice latte, and immediately asking if they can tech first as they need more time to do their stage make-up - which, actually, they forgot to pack, so do you know if 'Boots' is still open ...?!

So here’s your wisdom: Stop pretending you’re going to “find balance” this month. The only balance happening this Autumn is a very bendy man in a white rabbit suit trying not to pass out under the stage lights.

If you want to witness the organised chaos and the sparkle that somehow rises from it, join us for one of our upcoming Velvet Burlesque Shows & Events!

Boss Lady - Lara Gothique

Founder, Curator, Choreographer, Performer, Swamp-Witch, and Slightly Feral Producer of The Velvet Burlesque™

© Lara Gothique - Velvet Burlesque™
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